OUR STORY IN A JIST

First of all lots of things have happened since our last post... and if you read the previous posts, you can tell that we were on a different journey then... We were trying to conceive and not focused on adoption at all. 


So to be clear, I wanted to tell you our very LONG story in a SHORT JIST...

I put our story in writing for someone who asked and I'd thought I'd share for anyone who wants to read it.

Rocky and I have known each other since we were kids. We got married in 2011. We started trying to have kids right away. This was the next 3 years...

In the beginning, I had 2 miscarriages back to back. I then got pregnant with our 3rd, the heart stopped beating at 10 weeks. I had to have... a D&C and they found out that the baby was a girl with a chromosome abnormality.

We decided we wanted to pursue adoption. It was as if God told us that is what we should do.

A few months went by and I was pregnant again. Imagine our shock, when the doctors tell us the baby is in my tubes and I must terminate. This was very hard for me because we are Christian and believe life begins at conception. The baby could not survive and would have killed me so I had to make the painful choice to take a shot to end the baby's life.

We continued to pursue adoption. After several months, I became pregnant again. I've never been so terrified in my entire life. Things were going well. Our baby was growing so fast. I was 17 weeks. On Nov 4th, 2013, I wasn't feeling well so I went to the ER. After several hours, the doctors confirmed that the baby's heartbeat had stopped. They admitted me and induced labor. The next day, I delivered our son, Luke. We named him after Luke 18:1 "Always pray and never give up!" We had a private funeral

2 weeks later, the adoption agency called! A birthmom saw our website and wanted to meet us! We met & hit it off. However, the birthfather was not on board with the adoption plan so we experienced another loss.

This month, we decided to change our adoption profile from 0 to 2 years old to 0 to 7 years old. We have applied for several "situations", but feel strongly about one situation with a kindergartener. We pray every day. 

  We continue to pray & let God lead. This is the first time I've put our story in writing. Wow. It feels as if I'm writing about someone else.

Thanks for listening to our story!

My doctors appt- 5 weeks pregnant

Well as most of you know, my hcg level only went from a 91 to a 104 in 48 hours. This was a sign of early miscarriage. I went to the Center of Reproductive medicine today to see my dr- Dr. Rowan. He said that in his medical opinion, I will miscarry sometime over the few weeks. I have to go and get my hcg level checked one more time tomorrow night to double check.

I asked him what do we do doctor? This will be my 4^th miscarriage. He said the only medical thing that can be done is to keep trying or turn to adoption. Will it ever work? He said he couldn’t answer that. He said there are several unknown reasons for multiple miscarriages. One could be that my eggs are immature and will never mature, etc. These reasons as of now cannot be determined.

He told me to go home and talk to my husband and decide at what point do we look for other options. He said there are women out there that go through 10 or 11 miscarriages and then proceed to have a healthy baby. I asked him if he knew any of those women… he said no.

IVF or any other medical intervention does not apply to us because we are successfully getting pregnant.

The thought of never carrying my own child to term is heartbreaking. Never feeling them inside of me… Never really knowing what my children would look like… Never having seeing the mix of me and Rocky.  I always said I want to accomplish 3 things in my life

1.     Be a mother

2.     Be married

3.     Be a teacher

What if I never get to fulfill one of those things?? The one that matters most to me. The one that made me choose the other two? We have some terrifying decisions to make.

I am 27. My husband is 28. At what point do we say “okay, we are going to continue trying, but we need to start looking at adoption?”  or “ I have had enough, I can’t do this anymore?” The choice is ours. I pray that Jesus will help shed some light on all of this.

It is still in God's hands...

We recently started going to a new church. I absolutely love it! It is fun and upbeat. We are leaving it all in God's hands. I have been forunate enough to find Jesus in my life. I wish we could just relax and let Jesus handle everything. However, because of my low progesterone levels during pregnancy, I am required to test for ovulation because I have to start taking it 4 days after ovulation. This makes me feel so much pressure to know exactly when I ovulate. Stressful.

I am still dealing with emotional setbacks. I keep my emotions in check about 95% of the time, but I still have breakdowns every now and then. It always happens after finding out someone is pregnant or seeing a young baby. I start feeling sorry for myself. I also start wondering what did I do to deserve this or why can't that be me? I know this is not how Jesus would want me to handle this. He would want me to be happy for them. I am still finding this difficult. I don't know if it is jealousy or just the open wound that still exists inside of my pain.

I chose to be a teacher for the love of children. I also chose this career because it is ideal for creating a family. I could home with my kids in the evenings, weekends, and summers. I am living my life to be a mother and I pray every day that Jesus will grant me this opportunity.

Peace, Love, & God Bless

Danielle

So much has happened since July...

I didnt post anything for months because we were going through such a rough time.. I went to the doctor right after my last post and discovered I was pregnant. We continued doctors appts, etc. Everything seemed to be going great.. Then at 10 weeks, they discovered the baby's heart beat had stopped. I had a DNC on August 31st. Our baby was tested and they discovered it was girl and she had trisomy 16- a chromosome abnormality. I was relieved that I hadn't done anything wrong. We named her Rayla Elizabeth.  This MC was so real to us because we had seen her and her little heartbeat a few times. RIP to our heavenly angel baby....

After all of this, I focused my attention on getting a healthy body. I have lost 10 pounds and started going to the gym. It has been a great distraction for me. Doctors recently finished all of our genetic testing and everything came back normal. We have been released to try again. This is great news that our bodies are NOT the cause of all of this... We decided that this situation is out of our hands.. we tried it our way and that didn't work, so now it is God's turn. I dont know how to think or feel anymore... when you want something so bad....

I will keep posting. I am so much more scared to post on this blog because I dont know if I would be ready to announce a pregnancy so quickly again. I would want to because we would need the prayers, but I don't want to see my family hurting and stressing over it with me. But, at the same time, I am an open book and so many people already know my story...

Thoughts?

Confusion and News

I went to the doctor July 4 for an internal ultrasound. She wanted to check to make sure my uterus lining was thickening and that I had ovulated. During the ultrasound, she discovered my follicles were really tiny and that she didn't think I had ovulated at all because she didn't see a corpus luteum (covering on your ovary after ovulation). This for me was devastating because I had high hopes of conceiving this month. She said there is still a possibility that I did ovulate and she just couldn't tell but the chance of that is slim to none. Probably another cycle without a baby.

She also believes that when I do ovulate, I am releasing an immature egg thus causing my miscarriages. This of course is just a theory. Because of all the this, I will start fertility drugs next month. I am scared, but happy. I am scared because any time you use fertility drugs, you have a higher chance of conceiving multiples. I am also scared because what if this doesn't work? What if I go through all of this and still nothing? However, I am happy because someone is FINALLY helping us. It has been the longest 11 months of my life. We just want to start a family, is that so much to ask?

The confusion (my title of this post) comes in because I am unsure how to feel about all of this.. It is hard to sort my thoughts out.

I won't know anymore until AF arrives (or doesnt) around July 20. This may be the longest tww, yet.

All prayers welcome!

*Danielle*

Progesterone and BFNs

I started progesterone June 15 and I have had some side effects.. I am super tired and I have been having crazy hot flashes. I am 16dpo and been getting BFNs so I am probably out this month. My AF is due the 19th.

TMI- the progesterone makes it difficult to test bc it is in my urine.

Update June 12, 2012

It has been over a month since my last update and I apologize to anyone who reads my blog. A lot has happened so I will try to sum things up.

1. The dr that made me feel so comfortable during my visit has been completely unavailable. I have had 3 appointments and she hasn't been there. Every single time I had an appt, she had a delivery or a surgery.

2. We are given permission to try again this month. I am currently 11dpo. I start progesterone on June 15.

3. I have been super busy with the end of school and I just got back from a MUCH NEEDED vacation to Florida. It was so nice to just forget about everything for a while.

4. I will be really hesitant to reveal when I am pregnant again. I probably won't even believe it  myself. Unfortunately, my attitude towards pregnancy is that it is an illness until proven otherwise. I wish I could take that feeling away, but I cant. I want to be excited and encouraged, but I am in a bitter place right now. I will believe it after the first trimester. lol

5. Hopefully, I will have good news soon.